I am thankful that I write down my thoughts in my journal. When you look back at past entries you are able to zoom out on your life and see the broader picture. When you are in the middle of living your day to day, your focus is too blurry. Being able to see more of how your journey is unfolding helps you see a little bit clearer.
Years ago when my husband and I left the first church we were pastoring, I remember going through a time of mourning, which led to counselling and a journey of healing. At the beginning of this journey I remember Dustin holding me while I was crying and we were talking through life and what our future could hold. I remember saying that I wish I could see 10 years down the road, and be able to say what a great learning experience that was.
Well that was 22 years ago, I don't know if I can say that it was a great learning experience but it was something that we learned to work through together and brought Dustin and I closer in the early stages of our marriage.
As I have been coming through the hurt from my experience in 2018 and moving into the healing stage I have been reading through past entries in my journal. Here is an excerpt from May 2019:
How often we get in the spiral of confusion and we don't know how to move forward. Sitting in confusion gets comfortable and then we feel that there is no way to make a decision so we choose not to make a decision. Then we get stuck and then we just don't know how to move forward.
I can remember writing this journal entry. I was suffering in silence at this point. I didn't want to admit my struggle to anyone because I didn't want to feel shame or to be judged. I chose to continue to suffer for months with so much inner turmoil. I didn't pray because I thought God didn't care, when I did speak to Him there was so much anger in my voice, and hatred in my words.
The inner turmoil was that I felt like something was missing, that there was more going on in this situation and I didn't understand. I longed to return to the scriptures and to listen for that still small voice but I couldn't get the thought that this "message from God" I received - told me that I wasn't wanted by God and I had no place teaching in His name.
I carried this feeling of rejection for a long time. We are all searching to understand who we are and how we fit into this world. I had lost my place and I started to change. I must have so many people confused on my Instagram account because I keep changing my name and the content so much. Sorry about that. I have been trying to find my way.
The title of this post is hurting to healing. I have been hurting for a long time. My thoughts have been so negative and the deep wound of hurt is going to take time to heal. But I am starting to heal. I am starting to find my way back. I am starting to feel more like myself again.
I am thankful for friends that I was able to have a safe place to share, they support me in prayer, and encourage me to open my Bible everyday. My healing is found in the scriptures.
I will continue to share my journey here. I know when I was struggling I didn't know where to go for help. I hope that I am able to give support to those that don't know where to go or who to talk to.