It has been a long time since I have made time to write.  I have been walking quite the journey over the past two years and I haven't taken the time to process it all. 

So, last night I made myself a cup of tea and sat with my journal - it has been a long time.  I turned to a blank page and it just sometimes that blank page just stares back at you - you have so much to write but you don't know where to begin or how to start. 

When I teach my journaling workshops I always ask the group to start with the date.  It is always a good place to start.

​So with the date in the top right corner, the words began to flow. 

​Finally after four pages I felt like I had made a good start.  There has been a lot going on and my heart needs a lot of healing.  I have always found writing to be a form of healing for me.  When I wrote my book it caused me to deal with a lot of issues from my past so that I was free to move forward in my life.  

With all that is going on with the COVID-19 I have been found myself coaching people again.  One of the main things that I tell people is that they need to start writing about this experience.  As we write it is incredible to see the awakenings and healing that can emerge.

I have always felt that my life experiences and character building exercises are for me to share.  As with my book and my journey over the past two years, I heal by writing and sharing.  And hopefully through my sharing I can help others on their journeys.

​Finally, keep the following in mind while you are journaling:

• It’s okay to write only a few words, and it’s okay to write several pages – just write at your own pace.
• Don’t worry so much about what to write about, just focus on taking the time to write and giving it your full attention.
• Don’t worry about how well you write – the important thing is to write down what makes sense to you and what comes naturally to you.
• Write as if no one else will read it – this will help you avoid “putting on a show” rather than writing authentically

Find a notebook and just start writing.  It's where you will find me - and I will be blogging more over the coming weeks as well.  I have a lot to work through - it's time to start the healing.

What are you searching for?  Are you searching for approval?  For agreement for the choices you are making?  Are you searching for truth?

​I have been searching.  I have shared briefly over the past few years that I have really been struggling.  I have wrote a lot of journal pages and wasted a lot of time scrolling on social media trying to figure out how to heal from the hurt.

​My husband and I have dedicated our Saturday mornings to coffee and "discussion".  My husband and I met on a missions program where we toured across Canada speaking in high schools.  When you are travelling all the time stuffed inside mini vans you learn a lot about each other really quickly.  After the tour we both went home to our different Provinces, thousands of kilometers apart.  Our long distance phone bills were outrageous and many emails were exchanged.  Our only form of building our relationship was with communication.  At the time I resented it, but now I really appreciate that time because it built our relationship firmly on our ability to communicate well with each other and to express our thoughts and emotions through our words - there was no Facetime - it was a receiver, attached to a cord, that attached to the phone on the wall.  Yes I am that old.  I still remember the party line we shared with two of our neighbours.  Don't judge. 

Anyway, back to our Saturday morning coffee - we have always been able to communicate well but we weren't always making the time for it.  Now we do.  I have been doing a lot of journaling and reading and self exploration over the past year.  I was tired of struggling and it was time to move forward.  I wasn't sure how but I took the first step on the journey.  Last Saturday I was sharing with Dustin about what I have learned about myself over the past few months, about the people who have come into my life at the perfect time and how I am feeling lighter.  I told him that I feel like sharing about what I am learning with others but I don't feel like I have the answers yet.  Dustin then told me to start sharing.  He said normal people don't share publicly about their struggles as much as I do (I think that was a compliment 😁), that many struggle through things alone.  He gave me example after example of times I have stepped forward to share, and how it has helped others.  We talked about a time in high school english class that my class was asked to write a page about ourselves.  I was so honest in that page that I ended up in weeks of appointments in the student counselling centre.  😂  Dustin then told me that I was most likely the only one to write how I honestly felt, most would have written either what they felt like should write or what the teacher was expecting of them.  I chose to be honest in my writing and that has never changed because it is who I am.  My book became another example of that.

In my journaling workshops I ask people to write in their journal about who they are in the dark.  Who are you when you are sitting in your room in the dark, with the door closed and your phone is in another room.  No one is around, no one can see you - who are you?

The last few years have been a struggle for me.  I do not have the answers but I know that my healing comes from me sharing and teaching.  The hurt that I experienced went deep.  It hurt to the core of my being.  When you are hurt by something that is tied so close to who you are, it shakes everything.

I experienced a hurt that I still haven't been able to define.  I was trying to figure out how to deal with it and I didn't even know the words to search on google.

It has been largely described as "being hurt by the church", or when "Christians attack their own".