I have to admit that I come across as a confident person, but really I am a chicken!

Far too often I give up too easily, I start off strong but then I get in my own way.  This is something that I will never have to stop working on.

I know deep down in my gut things that I need to do and yet I still hold back.  Why oh why do I continually do that!  Am I the only one that does this?

I am making a list of what I know I need to do and I am going to put my view of myself and my abilities to the side and I am going to Be Bravely ME! 

Why am I choosing this? ​

Because others may be missing out on something that I can share with, a way that I can encourage them, a life lesson that they can relate to.
​
So here I am making a public proclamation that I will actively choose to begin working on what the still small voice has laid heavy on my heart.  Ready, set, here I go!!!!!!!

Life sometimes just feels so full. Sometimes too full. I am wondering how it got that way.

Since having health problems for over a year now, I have tried to slow down and yet I still feel like I am running around like a crazy person.  At the end of the day I continue to ask myself, "What did I accomplish today?" And sometimes I can't think of anything but yet my day felt so full.

Why do I choose to do this to myself each day? I know I need to slow down. I had physio today and yikes am I sore right now. I felt really good when I came home but right now I feel really tight and sore, and well, like a truck hit me. Physiotherapists really know how to hurt a person. :)  But I know that I will continue to get better from this. That all of this pain will help me in the long run.

Kinda sounds like life lessons.  Well, it is how it works for me most of the time. You know the character building exercises that we go through in our lives? It really sucks when you are in those places in your life, but then in the end when you can see what you were learning and how it helped you. In a weird and yet wonderful way it all seems worth it in the end.

I guess that is what physio is going to do for me. I am not going to feel like a 90 year old woman anymore. I will be able to run and play with our daughters again. I wish I wasn't in this place right now but I know that I am taking the right steps, on the right path to get to where I need to be. I just have to figure out how to slow down this ride of life that seems like it is spinning out of control. I know I need to cut somethings out of my life, but where do you start cutting? Who do you cut?

I was talking to my husband about having to cut some things and he asks me, that if I decided to leave something, "Who is going to lose out from having me involved?"

It is interesting to look at things from the larger perspective - I start cutting things that I wouldn't mind losing, but what effect is that going to have on other people? There is more to life than ourselves.  Even though that is what the media likes to teach us - 'Life is all about me!"  Someone else is always going to be affected by every decision that we make.  Man! I thought I had difficult decisions to make before, but now it got even worse!

So now my brain hurts along with my back. So I am going to bed, and hopefully when I wake up tomorrow I will try to take my day bit by bit and enjoy the day with my husband and our daughters and not worry about the next thing on my to-do list that I feel I need to cross off.  Hey, I bought a new purse today!  Life is good! ​

In life there comes a time when you have to put the baggage down and move on.

I was tired.  So tired of carrying around baggage filled with the "old me".  It felt like when you go to the grocery store and glace at the carts and think to yourself - "I only have a few things on my list I will just use a basket."  Seriously!  Then we struggle to make it to the check out with a basket overflowing and groceries tucked in wherever we can find room and walk as fast as we can to the conveyor belt that will save our groceries before gravity wins.

I once carried the baggage of my past around - crushing myself under the strain of the weight.  I was on a journey - on a new path - I was a new creation.  My past was gone - only it didn't feel gone.  It was there staring at me when I woke up in the morning.  I dragged it around all day and it became a part of my work - relationships - future.  It filled my thoughts as I fell asleep each night.

I longed for the "new creation."  What did it look like?  How is it possible?

I have always found that asking myself questions is the only way that I can work toward finding the answers - and then I need to stop and listen.

You know what I heard?  

"Stop carrying it around."  Simple and yet so profound.

It was my own selfishness that was holding on to what was no longer a part of who I am.  

It was time to put the baggage down and move on.  I had a pretty firm grip, this was not going to be easy - but it was necessary.

I can remember the thoughts of weakness, a loss of power, a loss of identity.  But as I began to walk away, the ability to take a deep beautiful breathe of freedom filled me with such peace.  Oh, how I longed for peace.  Another deep long breath - the weigh began to slowly lift.  What a beautiful journey.

Depending by which standards you measure life from - I could say that 2018 was a horrible year.

I had people come into my life that caused me such deep pain that I am still learning how to cope and move forward.

I had situations that stretched me further than I ever thought possible.

I saw things in people that I wish I could unsee.

2018 had so many plots twists the best fiction writer couldn't have wound this plot together.

As 2018 is coming to an end I find that I have two choices.  I can drag this "horrible year" into 2019 or I can change my perspective.

I do not look at 2018 as a horrible year.  I have learned so much about myself and where my place is in this world.  I would have chosen to learn the lessons another way, but unfortunately the easy way is usually not the best way.  

I had a situation in 2018 that changed me - it through me for a loop that I wasn't expecting and was not prepared for.  I didn't know how to feel, I didn't know how to cope or move forward.  It broke me and shook who I thought I was to my core.

So how do I move forward for 2019?

Easy!  No actually it's not easy, there are not a magical amount of steps that will make it all shiny and new.

As with anything that has the greatest rewards is the amount of effort you put in to make it a success.

I am choosing that my 2019 will be a success story to the lessons I have learned in 2018.  (I am sure that 2019 will have new lessons for me to learn😊 )

I have a saying for my experiences in 2018.  Years ago I made the choice to stop looking at situation based on a good or bad scale.  Everything is a "character building exercise".  Each day there is something to be learned and to be gained.  Once you change your perspective, then your life situations start to look differently. 

Once the situations start to look different then you start to change your reactions and how you feel about life and your place in it starts to become clearer.​  And thankfulness and gratitude become a part of these experiences.

A few questions I ask myself on this last day of 2018:

1. What are the biggest lessons I learned about myself this year?
2. What brought me the most joy in 2018?
3. What steps can I make to move forward in 2019?

​I am looking forward to journeying with you in 2019!

It seems that in December the crazies set in.  I start to feel dizzy with all that is going on in our family.

This December I am trying to be intentional with how I invest my time and energy.  It doesn't always work out the way that I plan.  But I have found so much more enjoyment in this Christmas season than I have in years.

So how I have I chosen to be intentional?

1. It has started in our home.  This needs to be our safe zone.  We have started a few small but meaningful family traditions that we need to stick to.  Years ago we used to custom order our Christmas tree, a really full tall tree - we would get a personal phone call about our tree each year.  The tree company loved us.  One year as finances were tight we realized that this extravagance was not going to happen that year.  So we took our two daughters and our dog and went for a walk in the bush behind our home in search of the perfect Charlie Brown tree.  We usually find an average size one for our living room and then a couple of small ones for additional spots around our home.  With a smaller tree it takes no time to decorate and a less busy feel to it.  This year we were going to do something a little different and drive to the National Park and cut down a tree with their special fuel break program.  We soon came to realize that our family walk to get a tree was a tradition that we couldn't compromise on.  Our 16 year refused to go anywhere else to get a tree, she even told us even though she may seem grumpy when we do it she really enjoys it.  So you may not know that value that small traditions have to our children.
2. Another element that I have found important is lighting.  With the craziness of the season a peaceful environment is important.  I found great deals on lighting this year and I have placed them in various locations around our home and at night the lights dim and a warm glow fills our home.  I know this has made an impact on me and I believe in the environment in our home.  I am now trying to come up with ideas of what I can do to incorporate this into our home year round.
3. Also in creating a peaceful environment I have been staying positive.  For me this can be a struggle.  I have been listening to Christmas songs - mostly the jazzy station for a more soothing sound.  I have made time to sit with my daughters and watch Christmas movies.  I tend to the be the parents that runs around doing "stuff" and pops in every now and then to catch spinets of the movie.  This year I have been making tea and watching a whole movie!  - more memories of what my daughters will remember. 
4. Gift giving has been greatly reduced from presents to experiences.  What gifts are being given are handmade or local items.
5. Being intentional with my time.  I have made lists of different things that I need to accomplish and I have been actively working on them in an organized manner so that it doesn't take me hours away from our home.  This is something that is working so well that I need to continue this in the new year.  Errand lists, meal prep, family schedules - if organized well doesn't need to steal our time.
6. Creating excitement.  Do you remember when Christmas was so exciting as a child?  -  the anticipation and wonder.  Now with two teen daughters Christmas has changed, and that doesn't need to be a negative thing.  It is our new reality and I am choosing to embrace it.  We are driving to visit family this year and it is a really long drive.  One that we are all not looking forward to, but instead of letting those thoughts make it a horrendous experience I have been coming up with ideas for us to enjoy it and look forward to it.  Looking for the positives can only benefit a situation.

These are a few of the changes I am making this year.  So far they are working - this Christmas feels different.  I hope as a family we can agree at the end of the month that this was a December to remember.

Almost every summer that I can remember I spent at least one week at camp.  I loved the feeling of acceptance at camp.  My absolute favorite part of camp - either as a camper or a counsellor was bedtime.  Not for the reason that you are probably thinking.  

At the end of a busy day, as quiet comes over the campground and the lights are turned off for the night - that was when the most honest and real conversations would happen.  As I camper I loved this sharing time, as a counsellor I looked forward for the opportunity to speak truth and encouragement into the girls lives.  Those are the moments that I continue to cherish today.

​It is those camp experiences that inspired the bedtime moments with our daughters.  Every night I make time to spend time praying with and listening to our daughters.  It has become a part of our daily routine, they give their Dad a hug goodnight and I get to spend time with them individually.  As we sit on their bed it becomes our sacred time and place.  

Some nights it's just prayer time and tuck in, some nights it's sharing a burden or situation.  They know that this is their time with Mom and that it happens everyday.  They don't have to make a special time to talk with me, that may be awkward or uncomfortable.

I am so thankful that even now that they are teenagers they look forward to this time, and they miss it when they are away at a sleepover or camp.  

I wish I would have kept a journal of all the prayer requests through the years.  We have had the privilege to pray for so many friends and family.  So many moments that have encouraged and shaped us.  Admittedly, some nights I use this time as an opportunity to talk to them about some choices that they have made that may have not been the best use of their gifts and talents.  But mostly this is our time to pray and be thankful for our day.

My oldest went through a difficult time in school and many nights she would cry herself to sleep.  This Mama's heart broke repeatedly and I felt so helpless.  I read as many books and articles that I could to find a way to help her hurt.  Somewhere along the way I read that in order to wake up and start your day with a positive attitude you need to fall asleep with a positive attitude.  So each night I would ask her what her favorite part of the day was.  She would usually start telling me about something negative that happened that day, but I would encourage her to find something good.  After a few weeks it was easier to start finding the good in her day and it even got to the point where the list would get so long that we would be chatting a long time.  Maybe it was a ploy to stay up later, but the changes I began to see in her was such an answer to prayer.

Bedtime is my sacred time and place with my daughters.  Is this something that you can create with your daughter(s)?  Your daughter(s) need this space and time with you.