I am thankful that I write down my thoughts in my journal. When you look back at past entries you are able to zoom out on your life and see the broader picture. When you are in the middle of living your day to day, your focus is too blurry. Being able to see more of how your journey is unfolding helps you see a little bit clearer.
Years ago when my husband and I left the first church we were pastoring, I remember going through a time of mourning, which led to counselling and a journey of healing. At the beginning of this journey I remember Dustin holding me while I was crying and we were talking through life and what our future could hold. I remember saying that I wish I could see 10 years down the road, and be able to say what a great learning experience that was.
Well that was 22 years ago, I don't know if I can say that it was a great learning experience but it was something that we learned to work through together and brought Dustin and I closer in the early stages of our marriage.
As I have been coming through the hurt from my experience in 2018 and moving into the healing stage I have been reading through past entries in my journal. Here is an excerpt from May 2019:
How often we get in the spiral of confusion and we don't know how to move forward. Sitting in confusion gets comfortable and then we feel that there is no way to make a decision so we choose not to make a decision. Then we get stuck and then we just don't know how to move forward.
I can remember writing this journal entry. I was suffering in silence at this point. I didn't want to admit my struggle to anyone because I didn't want to feel shame or to be judged. I chose to continue to suffer for months with so much inner turmoil. I didn't pray because I thought God didn't care, when I did speak to Him there was so much anger in my voice, and hatred in my words.
The inner turmoil was that I felt like something was missing, that there was more going on in this situation and I didn't understand. I longed to return to the scriptures and to listen for that still small voice but I couldn't get the thought that this "message from God" I received - told me that I wasn't wanted by God and I had no place teaching in His name.
I carried this feeling of rejection for a long time. We are all searching to understand who we are and how we fit into this world. I had lost my place and I started to change. I must have so many people confused on my Instagram account because I keep changing my name and the content so much. Sorry about that. I have been trying to find my way.
The title of this post is hurting to healing. I have been hurting for a long time. My thoughts have been so negative and the deep wound of hurt is going to take time to heal. But I am starting to heal. I am starting to find my way back. I am starting to feel more like myself again.
I am thankful for friends that I was able to have a safe place to share, they support me in prayer, and encourage me to open my Bible everyday. My healing is found in the scriptures.
I will continue to share my journey here. I know when I was struggling I didn't know where to go for help. I hope that I am able to give support to those that don't know where to go or who to talk to.
I have been thinking a lot about life and the choices that take you down your life's path. I have learned a lot from my choices and some of the wrong paths that I have chosen to take. Often I think about the choices I made in my teens and how hard I had to work through and learn from the consequences of those choices.
Since that trying time I have worked hard to stay on a better path for my life because I have been joined by my husband and our two daughters. My choices have a huge impact on my family.
I have been watching people around me making very selfish and devastating choices in their lives, and I am feeling so helpless. Our choices in our adult life have such a wide-sweeping impact on so many lives. How do people make the choices that they do and feel okay about it? Do they convince themselves that their actions and ultimate choice is really the best for everyone or just themselves?
I keep having the verses in 1 Corinthians 10:22-24 run through my head.
You say, “I am allowed to do anything”—but not everything is good for you. You say, “I am allowed to do anything”—but not everything is beneficial. Don’t be concerned for your own good but for the good of others.
I'm at a loss - Is there anything we can do?
The only thing I have come up with is to be a positive example as a wife, mother and friend, and through this I hope I can make a small difference.
I see so much pain. The hurt that is spreading across the world today just breaks my heart. I have an overwhelming ache as I think about the needs in the hearts of mankind, and I feel weakness as I wonder "What can I do for so great a need?"
I can honestly admit that I have lost sleep over this - I lay in bed praying and seeking guidance as to how I can help. What can I do? Something needs to be done.
Why am I so obsessed with this?
The pain and hurt I see in the actions of others are an outward expression of the pain they are feeling on the inside. People are carrying around so much pain, they dislike themselves so much that they share it with those around them. This just breaks my heart.
Think for a moment about the positive people in your life.
Can you imagine something hurtful coming from their mouth? People who have peace with who they are - are happy and have no desire or need to hurt others. They are a light in the dark world around them.
Scripture tells us that what is in your heart shines out (Luke 6:45) As I think about my calling to be the hands and feet of Jesus - what kind of light am I? What is my wattage? Am I adding to the pain that I see in the world around me? Are people drawn to my light?
Everyday we have the opportunity to be a light of positivity and love to our families, friends and wherever our path may lead that day. I know that I have wasted too many days and nights worrying about how I can make a difference - how silly. I can make a difference by being the hands and feet of Jesus each day with a servants heart.
I want to leave you this promise found in Romans:
"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope." Romans 15:13
A couple of weeks ago I looked around at the people seated in the congregation at my church and you know what I saw?
My heart literally ached for the pain coming from the women sitting in their Sunday best, with their children properly groomed sitting nicely at their sides. I saw the ugly hurt that is hiding beneath the shiny outer surface.
Why am I leading an online workshop? Because I am offering a safe place for women who have been hurt by the church or by the people in the church - a safe place to grow fruit. I'm not saying that everyone who joins the workshop has been hurt but personally, I know too many women who need this safe place.
Do you remember going to camp as a kid? I loved camp, when my parents dropped me off I didn't even notice when they left but when they came to pick me up I cried and cried because I didn't want to leave. Why? Because camp was my safe place, the place where I could go and be myself. To be the person that I really wanted to be everyday but never felt safe enough to let the real me shine.
The Fruit of the Spirit Workshop is the safe place for all women to shine. A safe place to grow and nurture your Fruit. By the end of this year we are all going to be different women as we allow the spirit the time and space to strengthen the characteristics of the Fruit of the Spirit in our lives.
Do you know a women who needs this workshop? Do you need this workshop?
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