What are you searching for?  Are you searching for approval?  For agreement for the choices you are making?  Are you searching for truth?

​I have been searching.  I have shared briefly over the past few years that I have really been struggling.  I have wrote a lot of journal pages and wasted a lot of time scrolling on social media trying to figure out how to heal from the hurt.

​My husband and I have dedicated our Saturday mornings to coffee and "discussion".  My husband and I met on a missions program where we toured across Canada speaking in high schools.  When you are travelling all the time stuffed inside mini vans you learn a lot about each other really quickly.  After the tour we both went home to our different Provinces, thousands of kilometers apart.  Our long distance phone bills were outrageous and many emails were exchanged.  Our only form of building our relationship was with communication.  At the time I resented it, but now I really appreciate that time because it built our relationship firmly on our ability to communicate well with each other and to express our thoughts and emotions through our words - there was no Facetime - it was a receiver, attached to a cord, that attached to the phone on the wall.  Yes I am that old.  I still remember the party line we shared with two of our neighbours.  Don't judge. 

Anyway, back to our Saturday morning coffee - we have always been able to communicate well but we weren't always making the time for it.  Now we do.  I have been doing a lot of journaling and reading and self exploration over the past year.  I was tired of struggling and it was time to move forward.  I wasn't sure how but I took the first step on the journey.  Last Saturday I was sharing with Dustin about what I have learned about myself over the past few months, about the people who have come into my life at the perfect time and how I am feeling lighter.  I told him that I feel like sharing about what I am learning with others but I don't feel like I have the answers yet.  Dustin then told me to start sharing.  He said normal people don't share publicly about their struggles as much as I do (I think that was a compliment 😁), that many struggle through things alone.  He gave me example after example of times I have stepped forward to share, and how it has helped others.  We talked about a time in high school english class that my class was asked to write a page about ourselves.  I was so honest in that page that I ended up in weeks of appointments in the student counselling centre.  😂  Dustin then told me that I was most likely the only one to write how I honestly felt, most would have written either what they felt like should write or what the teacher was expecting of them.  I chose to be honest in my writing and that has never changed because it is who I am.  My book became another example of that.

In my journaling workshops I ask people to write in their journal about who they are in the dark.  Who are you when you are sitting in your room in the dark, with the door closed and your phone is in another room.  No one is around, no one can see you - who are you?

The last few years have been a struggle for me.  I do not have the answers but I know that my healing comes from me sharing and teaching.  The hurt that I experienced went deep.  It hurt to the core of my being.  When you are hurt by something that is tied so close to who you are, it shakes everything.

I experienced a hurt that I still haven't been able to define.  I was trying to figure out how to deal with it and I didn't even know the words to search on google.

It has been largely described as "being hurt by the church", or when "Christians attack their own". 

I have been studying for a lot of exciting projects that are going to be happening in the new year.  Psalm 139 is an important chapter that we study.  So I thought I would start there.  I didn’t get very far when Psalm 139:3 stopped me in my tracks.

How well I remember that day in 1995 when I rededicated my life to Jesus and became serious about my life as a representative of Christ. I felt Christ working in my life in a major way. He had shown me that I had to change my entire attitude and lifestyle. I was not doing well with the life He had blessed me with. I spent three years seriously praying and seeking God’s guidance in changing my life into something pleasing to His eyes and ears. Along the way I found much comfort in this passage from Philippians:

There definitely needs to be a theme of ongoing thanksgiving in your life as a Christian. God gives us so much and I always feel like I have so little to give to Him in return. What does God ask of us in return? Our thanks.

We live in an age of instant gratification, where if we want something—anything—we can run out to Wal-Mart and buy it. Our family needs supper - order in the little box, drive up to the next window - instant supper!

It does not work that way with God. His plan is perfect and will come to pass in His perfect timing. This is a hard concept for many of us to grasp. It is easy to know it but difficult to follow because following involves waiting, and many of us are not very good at waiting. (guilty as charge!)

In my case, I knew I had to change and that through Christ anything was possible (Mark 9:23). Consequently, I knew that I would change, but my plan called for it to happen instantaneously. God knew, however, that I had a few things that I needed to learn first. 

Romans 12:2 says, “Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will know what God wants you to do, and you will know how good and pleasing and perfect his will really is.” Basically, what Paul is trying to say is, “Trust God’s will to be good. Test your confidence as a Christian by doing God’s will, and you will discover that God’s way truly is good, pleasing and perfect.”

God’s plan is perfect - what God had planned for me was perfect. I had to learn to stop being my stubborn, independent self and wait on Him. I have heard these next verses quoted often, but only now, years after my transformation began, can I truly understand them: “‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ says the Lord. ‘They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me in earnest, you will find me when you seek me” (Jer. 29:11-13). Because He is our God, He has plans for us. Those plans are flawless and favorable. They will not all become evident tomorrow but as we wait we can be excited because our hope is in Him.

I have been pondering on the word “Joy” lately.  I know that it is not something that I can sum up in one blog post.  But it is something that I can study and work toward. 

A few years ago, my husband was away on a trip and I was at home with our newborn.  I waited early all day for his phone call and when the call finally came in I was not in a good mood.  Could have had something to do with sleep deprivation, but when my husband called to check in on us I was not a joyful person to talk to.  At least that is what my husband told me.  

In fact, I was in such a bad mood he told me he wasn’t going to chat with me anymore.  Of course I tried to change my attitude because I did miss him and I wanted to hear his voice but he had had enough of my poor attitude.  He said he was going to go and call me back later that evening, only on one condition.  The condition being that when I hang up from our call I had to go to my Bible and turn to Philippians.   I had to read the entire book of Philippians and each time I came across the word joy or rejoice I had to underline it.  

Of course, reading the book of Philippians was the last thing that I wanted to do especially after I was basically told that I had to.  (did you know that I have a bit of a rebellious spirit? LOL!!!!) 

Well, I found it 12 times throughout the book and my attitude definitely changed while reading through Philippians.  Did you know that Paul was in jail when he wrote this letter to his friends in Philippi, and he was able to have joy and rejoice in his circumstance. 

When my husband called back my attitude was definitely changed and I couldn’t stop sharing about all that I had learned about this Fruit of the Spirit from my journey through Philippians that evening.  At first, I thought my husband was being a jerk for telling me to go read my Bible, but he knew that it was exactly what I needed.

Well, I think I am in a place where I need it again.  I just started to break in my new ESV Study Bible and I am going to read through the book of Philippians and do some underlining.  I wonder how many I can find in this version!

I often catch our daughters lost in thought.  I am always running around with my camera, so they are used to me having it near by.  That gives me the opportunity to capture moments not just pictures.  I am so thankful that they feel the freedom to just stop life for a few moments to pause and think.

After I won the award for my book for teen girls I had a lot of speaking engagements.  I would spend time in prayer seeking guidance as to what I needed to teach and asking for direction as to what does this particular group need to hear.  I always heard the same "thing" and it was not the "thing" that I thought it should be.  This "thing" was not even in my book!

What I continuously heard was: "Teach them to use the brains that I gave them." The voice I hear is usually pretty direct.  He knows I respond/listen better that way.  :)

As I started to research the topic I realized why I was being asked to help young people think.  For years youth are told what to think - from home, from school, and yes, even from church. They are inundated with knowledge, generally presented in a way that leaves little room for interpretation or personal thoughts.  That is dangerous and it explains a lot about what is happening to our generation of college and career aged young adults.

What I was being asked to do was to challenge their thinking.  To break the mold of authoritarian teaching make them question their belief, to question their character, to question their teachers.  Yes, I told them to question their teachers - I even told them to question their Pastors.  Yes, I know I am wild and crazy.  But it wasn't my idea, if you want to question me you actually need to question the people of Berea.  Do you know them?  I'll help you find them, they can be found in Acts 17:11.

Paul and Silas went to Berea, while there they taught in the Synagogue.  Many Bereans came to hear them day after day and were interested in their message.  After they openly listened to their message they searched the scriptures to see if they were teaching the truth!  

When I came across this passage I got one of those big Aha! moments.  What is the difference between the people of Berea and the people from Corinth, or the people in Ephesus, or the people of Thessalonica?  Do you see where I am going with this?  Of all the cities where Paul taught, the people of Berea were the only ones that did not have a letter written to them?  Why is this significant?

The people of Corinth received two letters because they were surrounded with corruption and negative influence of the people around them, and often gave in to their way of living.

In Ephesus the people needed guidance in how to practically live a Christian life.

In another two letters to the church in Thessalonica, Paul wrote to encourage the people to allow the Holy Spirit to work in their lives and to stay clear of sexual sin.

What this teaches me is that if you honestly and actively seek to know and obey the truth, then indeed the Truth will set you free!

We have a choice to use the brain that God gave us.  Let's finish with Paul's closing thoughts to the church in Philippi.

Do you remember that song from Sunday School?

O be careful little eyes what you see
O be careful little eyes what you see
There's a Father up above
And He's looking down in love
So, be careful little eyes what you see

O be careful little ears what you hear
O be careful little ears what you hear
There's a Father up above
And He's looking down in love
So, be careful little ears what you hear

O be careful little hands what you do
O be careful little hands what you do
There's a Father up above
And He's looking down in love
So, be careful little hands what you do

O be careful little feet where you go
O be careful little feet where you go
There's a Father up above
And He's looking down in love
So, be careful little feet where you go

O be careful little mouth what you say
O be careful little mouth what you say
There's a Father up above
And He's looking down in love
So, be careful little mouth what you say

My daughter has the most beautiful color of eyes.  I was sitting staring at her the other day, noticing what a beautiful young lady she is becoming.  As a Mother I am torn between wanting to protect her from the big scary world and letting her go to make her own choices and to be there to applaud or help pick up the pieces through all of life's twists and turns.

I think I have downloaded 5 parenting books to read this summer.  I want to do this parenting thing well.  I want to protect them from the pain of my teen years.

Today we started summer vacation.  I ordered a box of goodies from Christianbook.com and today was the big reveal of what I ordered.  It was so long ago that it was a surprise to me as well!  

It is my desire to have them involved with their Bibles.  Does that sounds strange, involved?  I want them to open their Bibles, to mark them up, to know where everything is.  My prayer is that if they are staying involved with their Bibles then maybe I do not have to be so scared of the world that they live in.

In the box we have devotionals the we can work on through the summer, educational workbooks and Bible highlighters!  

I am so thankful that I am able to be home with the girls this summer.  This is my time to feed into them and watch them grow.  

Lord, give me the wisdom and the strength to be the parent that I long to be.