I have been studying for a lot of exciting projects that are going to be happening in the new year. Psalm 139 is an important chapter that we study. So I thought I would start there. I didn’t get very far when Psalm 139:3 stopped me in my tracks. You chart the path ahead of me and tell me where to stop and rest. Every moment you know where I am. I always knew about the “path” that I am continually trying to locate and stay on. But telling me where to stop and rest was something I don’t ever remember reading or learning before.
If I had to pin point my location on the path I would say that I am at a resting place. I have tried fighting against this rest stop. I can see the road ahead of me and I want to keep moving and reach for the goals that God has me striving for. The more I fight the harder God tried to hold me in the resting place. Why would I want to fight rest? Looking back on the last two years I am asking myself a lot of questions. Currently I am choosing to enjoy the rest. I now know that this is a time of “being still” and taking time to study and prepare for what God has next. I am enjoying it and treasuring this time that I get to spend with my Lord. I am learning and growing tremendously - I have learned to be thankful for this time. The question arises again. Why did I fight this? Why did it have to come to the point of health issues for me to give in and give myself over to a period of rest. As a society we are driven to succeed. A period of rest could look like laziness and lack of dedication to the calling that God has placed on your life. I was enjoying what I was doing for God, why would I want to stop? I was helping people-- encouraging people to live their lives with and on purpose. I won a National award for my book-- why would I want to stop when everyone was asking when my next book is coming out? Now that I have chosen to stop and rest I have a clearer vision of what God has in store. It is bigger and greater than anything that I was striving for when I was fighting the rest, and something I would have never seen if I didn’t have this time of rest. Every moment You know where I am and why I am there - may I continue to be obedient and trust that you know the path better than I may think I do.
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"For a time is coming when people will no longer listen to sound and wholesome teaching. They will follow their own desires and will look for teachers who will tell them whatever their itching ears want to hear. They will reject the truth and chase after myths." 2 Timothy 4: 3-4 What are you searching for? Are you searching for approval? For agreement for the choices you are making? Are you searching for truth? I have been searching. I have shared briefly over the past few years that I have really been struggling. I have wrote a lot of journal pages and wasted a lot of time scrolling on social media trying to figure out how to heal from the hurt. My husband and I have dedicated our Saturday mornings to coffee and "discussion". My husband and I met on a missions program where we toured across Canada speaking in high schools. When you are travelling all the time stuffed inside mini vans you learn a lot about each other really quickly. After the tour we both went home to our different Provinces, thousands of kilometers apart. Our long distance phone bills were outrageous and many emails were exchanged. Our only form of building our relationship was with communication. At the time I resented it, but now I really appreciate that time because it built our relationship firmly on our ability to communicate well with each other and to express our thoughts and emotions through our words - there was no Facetime - it was a receiver, attached to a cord, that attached to the phone on the wall. Yes I am that old. I still remember the party line we shared with two of our neighbours. Don't judge. Anyway, back to our Saturday morning coffee - we have always been able to communicate well but we weren't always making the time for it. Now we do. I have been doing a lot of journaling and reading and self exploration over the past year. I was tired of struggling and it was time to move forward. I wasn't sure how but I took the first step on the journey. Last Saturday I was sharing with Dustin about what I have learned about myself over the past few months, about the people who have come into my life at the perfect time and how I am feeling lighter. I told him that I feel like sharing about what I am learning with others but I don't feel like I have the answers yet. Dustin then told me to start sharing. He said normal people don't share publicly about their struggles as much as I do (I think that was a compliment 😁), that many struggle through things alone. He gave me example after example of times I have stepped forward to share, and how it has helped others. We talked about a time in high school english class that my class was asked to write a page about ourselves. I was so honest in that page that I ended up in weeks of appointments in the student counselling centre. 😂 Dustin then told me that I was most likely the only one to write how I honestly felt, most would have written either what they felt like should write or what the teacher was expecting of them. I chose to be honest in my writing and that has never changed because it is who I am. My book became another example of that. In my journaling workshops I ask people to write in their journal about who they are in the dark. Who are you when you are sitting in your room in the dark, with the door closed and your phone is in another room. No one is around, no one can see you - who are you? The last few years have been a struggle for me. I do not have the answers but I know that my healing comes from me sharing and teaching. The hurt that I experienced went deep. It hurt to the core of my being. When you are hurt by something that is tied so close to who you are, it shakes everything. I experienced a hurt that I still haven't been able to define. I was trying to figure out how to deal with it and I didn't even know the words to search on google. It has been largely described as "being hurt by the church", or when "Christians attack their own".
Mine came in the form that it was a message from God that I needed to hear and it was one that left me feeling rejected, abused and hurt on such a deep level.
Trust me I have experienced church hurt in the past, we have pastored in two different churches that did not end well, I have had many experiences over the years that would be described as mental abuse and shaming. I know how hurtful Christians can be to one another - Christians are sinful just like everyone else. They have selfish agendas, they struggle with jealousy, they gossip, they are searching for validation. I know this can be the person sitting in the pew, the usher at the door, the person on the music team or the person behind the pulpit. I taught a youth Sunday School class where I told them not to believe anything the pastor says in the sermon that day, but to make notes and go home and search the scriptures for the truth. I have struggled within myself because I know these things and yet I was so very hurt and didn't know how to heal. Over the last few years I have seen a deconstruction in my faith. I still attended church, but I didn't want to be there. My Bible that was once opened regularly, with worn pages and tons of highlights and notes written in the margins now sat on a shelf gathering dust. Worship music was no longer heard in our home. I just couldn't. It felt dirty. It felt like manipulation. My life of praying without ceasing didn't exist. It became words of rejecting God and anger for all the years I had devoted to serving Him and all I received was His rejection in return. I was in a very dark place. Yet through that time, as much as I was pushing God away, there was still a desire in me that needed to figure it all out. I didn't understand why this person said these horrible things to me. I noticed that as my faith diminished, it did in my family as well. It was as I looked at my daughters that I knew I had to start figuring this out. When COVID became a thing and the churches were closed, I was thankful. I struggled going to church, some Sundays I would go to church and stand in a location where a lot of people would pass by and they just passed by. I had no connections there, the people I did reach out to at the time of my hurt just dismissed it. I didn't understand how deep it would affect me, so I can't blame them for not knowing either. People have always said that I am such as strong individual, but everyone struggles, some just hide it better. As months, then years of my struggle have gone by I have asked myself a lot of questions. Today my anger towards God is less, I don't hear His small still voice like I once did, but I feel His presence. I now search for truth. That is in the scriptures. That is always where I have found my hope, joy and peace. I am going back to the scriptures to search for healing on this journey. I am thankful for the deconstruction of my faith. It has helped me to develop roots that will become my strong foundation. I still have a lot of healing to do. But after a couple of years, I am beginning to feel more like myself. I am not scared about who I am in the dark. I am ready to give it light. I am ready to share more than I need to because that is just who I am. I am ready to take the first step on this new journey and I am ready to start sharing about what many would like to keep in the dark. How well I remember that day in 1995 when I rededicated my life to Jesus and became serious about my life as a representative of Christ. I felt Christ working in my life in a major way. He had shown me that I had to change my entire attitude and lifestyle. I was not doing well with the life He had blessed me with. I spent three years seriously praying and seeking God’s guidance in changing my life into something pleasing to His eyes and ears. Along the way I found much comfort in this passage from Philippians:
![]() There definitely needs to be a theme of ongoing thanksgiving in your life as a Christian. God gives us so much and I always feel like I have so little to give to Him in return. What does God ask of us in return? Our thanks. We live in an age of instant gratification, where if we want something—anything—we can run out to Wal-Mart and buy it. Our family needs supper - order in the little box, drive up to the next window - instant supper! It does not work that way with God. His plan is perfect and will come to pass in His perfect timing. This is a hard concept for many of us to grasp. It is easy to know it but difficult to follow because following involves waiting, and many of us are not very good at waiting. (guilty as charge!) In my case, I knew I had to change and that through Christ anything was possible (Mark 9:23). Consequently, I knew that I would change, but my plan called for it to happen instantaneously. God knew, however, that I had a few things that I needed to learn first. Romans 12:2 says, “Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will know what God wants you to do, and you will know how good and pleasing and perfect his will really is.” Basically, what Paul is trying to say is, “Trust God’s will to be good. Test your confidence as a Christian by doing God’s will, and you will discover that God’s way truly is good, pleasing and perfect.” God’s plan is perfect - what God had planned for me was perfect. I had to learn to stop being my stubborn, independent self and wait on Him. I have heard these next verses quoted often, but only now, years after my transformation began, can I truly understand them: “‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ says the Lord. ‘They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me in earnest, you will find me when you seek me” (Jer. 29:11-13). Because He is our God, He has plans for us. Those plans are flawless and favorable. They will not all become evident tomorrow but as we wait we can be excited because our hope is in Him. I have been pondering on the word “Joy” lately. I know that it is not something that I can sum up in one blog post. But it is something that I can study and work toward. A few years ago, my husband was away on a trip and I was at home with our newborn. I waited early all day for his phone call and when the call finally came in I was not in a good mood. Could have had something to do with sleep deprivation, but when my husband called to check in on us I was not a joyful person to talk to. At least that is what my husband told me. In fact, I was in such a bad mood he told me he wasn’t going to chat with me anymore. Of course I tried to change my attitude because I did miss him and I wanted to hear his voice but he had had enough of my poor attitude. He said he was going to go and call me back later that evening, only on one condition. The condition being that when I hang up from our call I had to go to my Bible and turn to Philippians. I had to read the entire book of Philippians and each time I came across the word joy or rejoice I had to underline it. Of course, reading the book of Philippians was the last thing that I wanted to do especially after I was basically told that I had to. (did you know that I have a bit of a rebellious spirit? LOL!!!!) Well, I found it 12 times throughout the book and my attitude definitely changed while reading through Philippians. Did you know that Paul was in jail when he wrote this letter to his friends in Philippi, and he was able to have joy and rejoice in his circumstance. When my husband called back my attitude was definitely changed and I couldn’t stop sharing about all that I had learned about this Fruit of the Spirit from my journey through Philippians that evening. At first, I thought my husband was being a jerk for telling me to go read my Bible, but he knew that it was exactly what I needed. Well, I think I am in a place where I need it again. I just started to break in my new ESV Study Bible and I am going to read through the book of Philippians and do some underlining. I wonder how many I can find in this version! Challenge: Do you need to join me on this journey through Philippians? Grab your Bible and a highlighter and search for the words joy and rejoice as you underline what can be yours through our Saviour Jesus Christ. When your done come back and leave a comment telling me how many you found!
I often catch our daughters lost in thought. I am always running around with my camera, so they are used to me having it near by. That gives me the opportunity to capture moments not just pictures. I am so thankful that they feel the freedom to just stop life for a few moments to pause and think. After I won the award for my book for teen girls I had a lot of speaking engagements. I would spend time in prayer seeking guidance as to what I needed to teach and asking for direction as to what does this particular group need to hear. I always heard the same "thing" and it was not the "thing" that I thought it should be. This "thing" was not even in my book! What I continuously heard was: "Teach them to use the brains that I gave them." The voice I hear is usually pretty direct. He knows I respond/listen better that way. :) As I started to research the topic I realized why I was being asked to help young people think. For years youth are told what to think - from home, from school, and yes, even from church. They are inundated with knowledge, generally presented in a way that leaves little room for interpretation or personal thoughts. That is dangerous and it explains a lot about what is happening to our generation of college and career aged young adults. What I was being asked to do was to challenge their thinking. To break the mold of authoritarian teaching make them question their belief, to question their character, to question their teachers. Yes, I told them to question their teachers - I even told them to question their Pastors. Yes, I know I am wild and crazy. But it wasn't my idea, if you want to question me you actually need to question the people of Berea. Do you know them? I'll help you find them, they can be found in Acts 17:11. ![]()
Paul and Silas went to Berea, while there they taught in the Synagogue. Many Bereans came to hear them day after day and were interested in their message. After they openly listened to their message they searched the scriptures to see if they were teaching the truth!
When I came across this passage I got one of those big Aha! moments. What is the difference between the people of Berea and the people from Corinth, or the people in Ephesus, or the people of Thessalonica? Do you see where I am going with this? Of all the cities where Paul taught, the people of Berea were the only ones that did not have a letter written to them? Why is this significant? The people of Corinth received two letters because they were surrounded with corruption and negative influence of the people around them, and often gave in to their way of living. In Ephesus the people needed guidance in how to practically live a Christian life. In another two letters to the church in Thessalonica, Paul wrote to encourage the people to allow the Holy Spirit to work in their lives and to stay clear of sexual sin. What this teaches me is that if you honestly and actively seek to know and obey the truth, then indeed the Truth will set you free! We have a choice to use the brain that God gave us. Let's finish with Paul's closing thoughts to the church in Philippi. "And now, dear brothers and sisters, let me say one more thing as I close this letter. Fix your thoughts on what is true and honorable and right. Think about things that are pure and lovely and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise." Philippians 4: 8 ![]() Do you remember that song from Sunday School? O be careful little eyes what you see O be careful little eyes what you see There's a Father up above And He's looking down in love So, be careful little eyes what you see O be careful little ears what you hear O be careful little ears what you hear There's a Father up above And He's looking down in love So, be careful little ears what you hear O be careful little hands what you do O be careful little hands what you do There's a Father up above And He's looking down in love So, be careful little hands what you do O be careful little feet where you go O be careful little feet where you go There's a Father up above And He's looking down in love So, be careful little feet where you go O be careful little mouth what you say O be careful little mouth what you say There's a Father up above And He's looking down in love So, be careful little mouth what you say My daughter has the most beautiful color of eyes. I was sitting staring at her the other day, noticing what a beautiful young lady she is becoming. As a Mother I am torn between wanting to protect her from the big scary world and letting her go to make her own choices and to be there to applaud or help pick up the pieces through all of life's twists and turns. I think I have downloaded 5 parenting books to read this summer. I want to do this parenting thing well. I want to protect them from the pain of my teen years. Today we started summer vacation. I ordered a box of goodies from Christianbook.com and today was the big reveal of what I ordered. It was so long ago that it was a surprise to me as well! ![]() It is my desire to have them involved with their Bibles. Does that sounds strange, involved? I want them to open their Bibles, to mark them up, to know where everything is. My prayer is that if they are staying involved with their Bibles then maybe I do not have to be so scared of the world that they live in. In the box we have devotionals the we can work on through the summer, educational workbooks and Bible highlighters! ![]() I am so thankful that I am able to be home with the girls this summer. This is my time to feed into them and watch them grow. Lord, give me the wisdom and the strength to be the parent that I long to be. |
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